Her

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve had “Get Her Back” on The List since the beginning, and for a long time, I wasn’t sure when to cross it off. In love you never seem to be sure what might happen. You can be as blissful as can be and it can make you blind to things that are around the corner, things that can turn joy in to sadness, happiness in to pain, all at the blink of an eye. Love is a powerful thing. It has turned leaders into beggars, cities into ruins, gold into tin. But it also works the other way.

When I first lost her, I didn’t think I would ever be with her again. I didn’t deserve such a beautiful angel in my life. She was everything, and I was nothing. And worse, I had hurt her. I was not worthy of such an incredible woman. I was devastated beyond belief when we ended our relationship in February, but I accepted it because I felt it was deserving of my actions and behaviour. I wanted to fight so badly to earn her love, respect, and trust back, but I didn’t feel it was my fight to have. But I was wrong.

Love is love. And no matter what happens in life, when you love someone, you love them, no matter what.

Her and I have been on a great path for several months now, and everyday we get stronger. Our lives are quickly forming together and we are planning a future together again. We talk of marriage, of babies, of life 20, 30, 40 years later, and we mean it. I feel secure in our relationship, and I believe in our love for each other.

She has seen me at my worst, and has stood at my side, supporting me, comforting me, loving me.

I am myself in a relationship for the first time ever, and it is her that has brought it out in me. She has been my motivation for many of the changes I have been making. I want to be a better man for her as well as for myself.

Today is an arbitrary day to be doing this, but it is of no matter. I have been feeling this way for quite some time and it is now that I write this post, so today shall be the day. I love her with all of my heart, and her the same, and I feel that we are focused on building a life together and will stick together no matter what comes our way. We are one, love at its best. Love like no other.

Today I cross it off my list, I have earned her love and respect back.

*I also just noticed that this was my 100th post. I am happy it was this one.*

Doing it for Myself

I’ve been working hard and really buckling down to reorganize my life lately. Every step I make brings me closer to that day that I can look in the mirror and respect the man I see. As time has been moving along during my journey, I am finding that I am gaining more confidence. I am generaly feeling better about myself, feeling more and more hope, and less despair about the future.

No matter where I end up in 20 years, 5 years, or even next year, I know it’ll be a better place than it would be if I didn’t go through this whole ordeal. I am excited for the future. I am crafting it to what I want it to be, rather than letting things just happen.

I’m not there yet, there is still so much to do, but I’m getting there. My motivation to succeed is now coming from inside, not anywhere else. There is no one I need to please, no one I need to report to or be responsible to, other than myself. I am free, and I have limitless potential.

All Paid Up And Moving Forward!

Today is a day of celebration for me. I get to cross of an item from The List! It has been a long time coming, and, has been the item that has been causing me the most stress and concern for the past few months.

Today, I am all paid up with my immediate debts and can now look forward with nothing but hope.

This is a very big accomplishment for me, and I am happy. I have been working very hard to get these debts paid off. I’ve been stressed out, and sacrificing a lot in order to do so, but now I can finally, truly focus on what is ahead. This success, is more than just paying money that I owe, I’ve actually changed my perception and behaviour with money and that is what I am really proud of. It is a tangible change that I can see and feel good about.

I’d love to write more, but its almost 3 am and I get up for work at 530 am. I’m already exhausted from two very full days already and today is going to be very tough as well. However, there is no more stress. Every action I take now, is to build me up as a better person, there are no chains holding me to the man I was before any longer.

My slow crawl over these past few months can now become a run.

Ready, set….go!

 

Who is Holding You Back?

I had a surprisingly fantastic session with my councillor yesterday morning. With all of the negativity I’ve been experiencing lately, I thought the session would be exceptionally emotional and difficult. I was scared and reluctant to come in because I didn’t want to have to deal with any of it. But that is exactly the reason why I ended up going in anyway, because I have to face my fears and stop ignoring or delaying the things that need to be done.

I talked about in the session and my realization is that no matter what happens in my life, the only person that can ever truly hold me back, is myself. I put myself in the position I am in right now, and it is up to me to get myself out and into a better place. Any time I delay, I am only hurting myself, and it is irrational to cause myself pain and difficulty.

I have my list of what I’d like to accomplish, but I made a mistake in its implementation, I don’t have any plan. I’ve just been moving along with these ideas to improve, but with no plan to succeed. This is a recipe for failure. No wonder I am feeling like nothing is moving forward the way I want them to, I haven’t outlined just how I expect myself to succeed. I think I’ve been avoiding the proper planning because I was scared to see longer term plans. But no more delaying. No more holding myself back.

The plan now is to take my list as it currently stands, and start outlining steps and timelines to help me achieve them. It may take a while to complete some items, but as long as I am following the plan, then I am succeeding.

No more excuses, no more delays. Success will come, I just need to define how. I will no longer hold myself back.

Figuring It Out

The more I reflect on the future, the more a “normal” life seems attainable. I’ve always done things differently and never when I’m supposed to, and its brought me to this point where I still feel unsure on what direction I want to take my life. But the fog is starting to clear. Getting a job, paying my bills, having my own place to live, owning a car, saving for the future, and having a fun and fulfilling social life, all seems just around the corner for me. It all makes sense. It seems so easy and I wonder why I’ve had so much trouble getting there after all these years. Such wasted time.

I’m just about to finish paying off my immediate debts, meaning, I can completely focus on my development. I am thinking about going back to school, furthering my education in a field I’m already familiar with, or perhaps something new, I’m not sure yet. In either case, I will become an expert in some field and it will be this field that I will develop my career in.

The springtime is symbolic of the next step of my journey. I was completely torn down to nothing over the winter, my old self dying. I was a barron wasteland of nothingness. Now, as spring arrives, I am truly beginninng the growth stage. A renewal of life. I feel good.

Don’t Get Comfortable

Yesterday was a rough day indeed. I suddenly felt guilt and shame and regret for everything all at once. I can’t explain why it all fell on me yesterday of all mornings but it did and it reminded me of just how much I need to change from the man I used to be. I feel it might have been a warning to myself. I’ve been on a great corrective path, but I was slipping into some old patterns. That seems to be the biggest challenge the last week, making sure I don’t slip. It is easy to get caught up in the change I have been making, to get comfortable and focus on the day to day rather than the path that lay ahead of me and the path that I’ve already walked. I won’t let that happen though. Change is needed and I need to be vigilant. I will continue to move forward and not get comfortable or complacent. I have my goals, I know what I must do. I will do it.

Breathe…

I am having a panic attack right now. The weight of everything I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt and disappointed is coming down on me so hard right now I feel like I can’t breathe. All of the regret is running through my mind. I feel like I am about to lose it. I am using every ounce of strength I have to keep in control and keep myself composed. I feel completely lost and hopeless. I’ve been wasting my life, I’ve been wasting my talents, I’ve been wasting my potential. I’m exactly where I was 10 years ago, probably even worse.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go, I can’t focus. Why did I do this? Why did I have to be so ignorant of the consequences and be so self destructive? I’ve lost everything that mattered to me and I don’t think ill ever be able to get it back. What reminance of a life do I have left? Right now, it feels like none.

I need to breathe…

I’m getting all worked up here. I just need to breathe…

Writing this out and pausing to breathe is helping…

Today is going to be a rough day.

I have a drinking problem.

I have a drinking problem.

This is a realization I have had for quite sometime, but I’ve been in denial about it for years. I’ve made excuses for myself, and justified my behaviour for too long and it ends now.

My true issue is impulse control. I seem to have none. And when I drink, the good feeling I get is hard to ignore and it makes me want to drink more and more. I don’t have a limit, I just seem to drink until I want to go home or its too late to continue. I am a very social drinker and love nothing more than going out with friends or meeting new friends and sharing a few drinks. But I don’t know my limits.

I’ve spent too much money on this addiction and its been the reason for some of my financial difficulties. When I drink it helps me de-stress by helping me ignore things that are important and require my organization. It was an escape from reality.

I spent a few extra years in university than most people and lived the student life longer than many. Drinking to excess on a weekday was normal operating procedure for me. I enjoyed socializing and enjoyed how quickly it calmed me down when things were hectic.

When I finished university, I still drank socially, but again, I didn’t know my limits. While friends of mine would cut themselves off after two or three drinks, I would suck back pints like it was water. I had a need to constantly be drinking something and it would result in a drunken night and a hard at work the next day.

It never really got in the way of anything, so I was never accountable to it. However, looking back, there are a lot of times where I drank too much and avoided responsibilities or made bad decisions as a result. But again, these consequences were never severe enough to hold me truly accountable or make me feel like there was a problem. One of the biggest red flags that I still ignored, was when I was at a Christmas party with her and her friends. I consumed a lot and very quickly and ended up putting myself to bed before midnight. I’m sure she was embarrassed, she was certainly mad at me for it. And I stopped drinking for a bit after that as a result. But eventually I’d start drinking again.

When everything fell apart, I started drinking a lot more. I justified it to myself that it was helping me deal with the stress and that it allowed me to think honestly, however it was just distracting me from the true issues and helped me escape the weight of reality for while.

I finally decided to stop drinking for a while. Partly because I needed a clear head to figure my life out, and partly because I couldn’t afford it. About two weeks of being sober, I started feeling a craving to get a drink. I felt a strong urge for a drink. This was a new feeling to me. I’ve never really experienced a craving like that before and it scared me. I didn’t succumb to my urge and pushed through. It was then that I realized I might actually have a problem.

I use alcohol as a crutch to help me get through difficult or stressful times. Because I can’t control myself, I almost always go too far and drink too much. I’ve never gotten violent or done stupid things while drinking, but it still caused damage to some relationships I hold dear.

As things in my life have started to come back together, I’ve tried to re-introduce alcohol back into my lifestyle. I’ve always enjoyed sharing a glass of wine when talking with a friend, and as things started to settle, I figured there would be no harm. When I started talking with her again, I reluctantly started sharing glasses of wine. But I never over indulged, I had a high of level of self control around her and was able to fight off impulses to drink quickly and in large amounts.

But I have had my slips. During St. Patrick’s Day I went out with the intention of just having one or two pints with a friend. It was Sunday, and we didn’t go out until 11pm anyway so I didn’t see any real harm. St. Patrick’s Day had always been our day. We ended up staying out until the bar closed and stumbling home drunk. Both of us had work the next morning and I regretted my decision.

I stopped again for the week. That next weekend I was delighted to be visiting her and we shared bottle of wine while we talked all night. I had no problem again with self control and was happy for that.

But a few days later, I went out with another friend to a local music show and ended up drinking way too much beer to the point where I was useless the next day. I was ashamed at myself for slipping again and not realizing it.

It seems that it depends on my company on how I consume alcohol. I have a much higher level of self control and maturity when I am with her, than when I am with anyone else. But the fact of the matter remains, I feel like I have a drinking problem.

I am starting to understand how to control it rather than letting it control me, but it is hard. It is very hard. But When I am sober for an extended period of time, I feel more motivated and clear headed. And I’d like to continue with that feeling.

This is my confession. This is my declaration that I can over come this.

I can do this.

Do it For Her

As much as I am doing all I am to better myself so I can call myself a Man, I truly realize today that I am doing it all for her. So that she can respect me again and look at me again as a Man. I thought I had been motivating myself to succeed all of this time, but today, I realized that everything, all my progress, all of my successes, have been driven by my desire to be better for her.

Please do not misunderstand. I am not a co-dependant person and do not need approval from others to feel better about myself, this is not what I am talking about. My motivation, my need to be a better man, my strength to do it all, is found through my need for her. She inspires me to do better, she is the reason I haven’t given up the many times I could have. She has been a constant thought in my mind through all of this. At the beginning of it all when everything fell apart, my first concern wasn’t my own well being, it was whether she was going to be okay.

Talking with her lately, sharing what’s going on, has kept me accountable to my list and to her. I can’t fall into my old patterns because I need her to see that I can do this. I want her to see that I am truly a good person at heart and that she can trust me.

Just yesterday, she indirectly called me out for falling into an old pattern. I didn’t realize it was happening, I was just acting as I normally would. But she said something, nothing direct, but it stuck with me and I processed it and and realized that I was falling back again, and I chose to stop it. If she wasn’t there, I would have slipped and not even have noticed. Looking back at it all, I can see that she has done that for me this entire time. She isn’t directly calling me out on anything, but having her there, has kept me from failing in my journey.

She is the reason for all of this, and as long as she is with me, I will never stop my journey.

Keep Going

I was in a very deep funk today. Everything just felt off and I couldn’t find my motivation to accomplish anything. I felt despair, and depression creeping up on me. I felt sick, and tired, and there was nothing I could do. I tried to combat my lack of motivation by looking up motivational and inspirational quotes online. I read about a dozen before I was about to give up then came across the image above. Good Ol’ Winston Churchill. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Those words rang true today. I felt like I had lost hope with my situation and was about to slip back into negative patterns and lose all the progress I’ve been making so far. But I realized, again that the path is not always going to run smooth. There are going to be ups and downs along the way, and although I’ve faced many ups lately, I was due for some downs. And no matter what, if I want to come out of the other side of this ordeal as a new man, I have to be able to endure the lows just as much as I celebrate the highs.

So today, I pushed myself to continue moving forward. I’ll get there, one step at a time and break through hell and anything else that stands in my way. It won’t always go my way, but I’ll get there none the less.

Keep Going.