Today is cause for some celebration. I have been able to find full time employment and can now start moving forward again with my plans. Although I am still interviewing for a few other jobs that have “career” potential, I can now relax a bit knowing that I’ve found an income producing job. The position itself is in hospitality, which is just fine with me. I am a very hard worker and there is always something to do in this kind of work environment. I might even enjoy myself with this job. This is by no means a time for me to get comfortable and stop looking forward though. I need to remind myself that this job is nothing but temporary while I put things back together. It will feel good to be working again though. To be able to start contributing again.
Searching for employment is a very humbling experience. It is fraught with vulnerability and rejection. I have put myself out on the line countless times and have shared everything I can about me. I’ve read books, articles, blogs, whatever I can find on ways to improve my chances of finding employment. I’ve been fortunate to find myself in a few different interviews at this time, but none have bore the fruit of a job. I know that there is a job out there for me and I will be working soon. I don’t care anymore what I am doing to earn money at this time, I just know that if I am to continue this journey, I need to start making money. I’ve applied for every type of job imaginable, including “worm harvester” and “ranch hand”. I have no more stipulations on what job I want. I just want a job.
I have faced a lot of challenges this year as I come to terms with my actions and consequences. One that I was not expecting was losing my job at the beginning of the year. At the time it seemed like stable employment that had some room for me to develop. However, due to poor performance on my part, my employers found it best if we were to part ways. I don’t blame them for the decision, I can honestly say that my heart wasn’t into the work I was outputting and I was actually already looking for something new. However, the timing was very poor. At a time where I needed regular income to achieve my goals, I was suddenly thrust into unemployment, and this compounded all of my problems.
For a few weeks, I enjoyed the time off and spent more time looking for a career that better suited my skills and abilities. As time went on, I became increasingly frustrated at the job market and the lack of available positions that suited my experience and passion. My financial situation became more dire and I began loosening my stipulations on what positions I would apply for. Eventually, I started applying for anything that I could find.
I have been desperately seeking employment now for over a month and have discovered that I am in a very unique and difficult employment vortex. I am under qualified for a lot of of the jobs I want and feel I would thrive in, and I am overqualified for a lot of the jobs that I’ve applied for because of necessity. I am unemployable. In economics terms, this is known as Frictional Unemployment. There are jobs out there, and I am willing to work, but there is such a mismatch between my skills and what is being looked for that I simply cannot find a job.
In order to move forward with my plans to once again become a man, I must find employment. I need regular income coming in if I want to achieve anything on my list. I am continuing to search and will hopefully come up with something, anything. I’ve never had such difficulty in finding employment and have realized that I need to improve my skills and experience if I want to eventually be a man again. When I’ve found stability, I must consider the option of continuing my education and and finding designations or certifications to make myself more employable.
There are a large number of things I must accomplish before I can consider myself a new man. The following is the list I feel must be completed before I am successful. Although I am beginning this list with some very basic items, my hope is that it will forever grow with life accomplishments.
Find Shelter – Completed March 2, 2013 Find a Job – Completed February 28, 2013 Pay off My Immediate Debts – Completed April 24, 2013 Find a Career – Completed April 2, 2014 Organize My Finances – Completed May 1, 2013 Find Home – Completed Sept 1, 2013.
Start Saving for the Future
Buy a Car
Get Her Back – Completed July 29, 2013
Call Myself a Man
It seems a little strange to begin a story with an ending, but that is where the next story begins. The end of my life as I know it. I am leaving this world as I came into it; with no idea where I am going. I certainly know how I got here. it is so easy to look back on the path you’ve already travelled and know how you ended up in that spot. The journey, no matter how difficult it seems, makes complete sense when you’ve reached your destination. I have arrived at my destinattion, and this is the end of my journey.
I am not proud with where I have ended up. I am not happy, satisfied, pleased, or even surprised. What I am, is sorry for myself. Sorry for allowing me to follow this path for so long, lost, with no idea when this path would come to a dead end. A point of no return. It does not matter though, how sorry I feel for myself. I was the one that made every one of the decisions that brought me here, and only have myself to blame.
This path is complete. There is no where else for me to go. I’ve taken this road as deep down as it would go, and I can’t go any lower. That is why I have to stop. I wanted to stop so many times in the past. I tried to stop, or even just slow down. But its the law of inertia at work. The momentum was too difficult, no, it was too easy to allow myself to keep falling. Now I’ve hit the bottom and there is only one thing left for me to do at this point.
This life I’ve been leading has been a waste. I’ve been living, but never truly alive. Never appreciating anything I had for fear it would be taken away from me at any moment. My actions were what brought me my loss, nothing else.
This life has no future, and must end.
The end of one story, signifies the beginning of another, and it must happen now. I am starting again, not rebuilding, starting life over in hopes I can one day have a life I can be proud of. I have a life time of lessons I’ve learned already, and with this wisdom, I might just be able to do it. Start a new life.
I have nothing at the moment. No friends, no family, no love, no respect, no community, no trust, no money, no job, no home, and no prospects. In every definition of societal success I have nothing. A week ago I almost succumb to the demons that plague a mind with no hope or future.
A week ago I almost gave up the last thing I had. A level of depression I had never felt before that seemed to only have one escape. Where my strength came from to battle those demons, I can’t say. But it was there, and remains there now. I am at the bottom of a pit and I can only look up from where I stand.
I will overcome the challenges that lay ahead. There are many, many things that I need to do before I can have respect for myself again. I will do what ever it takes though. I have strength and I have hope. I will achieve greatness, and will eventually be able to look in the mirror and call myself a man again. This blog is my journal of the journey that lays ahead.
The man I once was, is now dead. My new life begins now.