The Beginning of a New Journey

This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes. I had awoken from a very intense dream, the details of which I’ll be attempting to figure out for weeks, but the ending will be one I shall never forget. The dream ended with me holding my newborn baby girl for the first time. She had dark hair, wore a pink onzie, and still had her hospital bracelet on and couldn’t quite keep her eyes open at the late hour. For some reason she could talk. She told me she loved me and gave me little kisses on my cheek while I held her close to me.

This is the first time I’ve dreamt something like this before, and certainly the first time since I heard the beautiful news that I felt the true reality that I am going to be a father. 10 weeks ago my wife and I found out that we were pregnant, after we just started trying. It was a powerful and emotional time for both of us. For her, she had been waiting for this for a long time now. She was meant to be a mother and the look in her eyes on the day we found out filled me with so much love and hope for our future. Myself, I can’t believe I am here in this life where I am now.

Not less than 2 years ago, when I first started this blog, my life seemed completely hopeless. And although I was determined to get back on track and make something of my life, I would never have imagined that I’d be where I am now. My future is bright and I am looking forward to being a father. Yes, it’s been a while since I last wrote a post and a lot of things have happened on my journey. I feel like I’ve become a new man for a while now.

When I first started out to change my life by fighting off my immature tendencies, forgiving my past, and doing what it takes to become a real man, I thought I was doing it for myself. I thought I was doing it so she’d (my wife) would be able to look at me and respect me. Now, almost two years since I began my new path, I’ve realized that my changes were meant so that I can be a better man that my child can depend on.

She Said “YES!”

I could not have ever imagined that one year ago today, I would be in the position I am in today. It is New Year’s Day and I am now engaged to the love of my life!

I have never been so nervous, but it was all worth it. All the mistakes, the challenges, the obstacles, all of them in the past, all of them bringing me to this point today.

Life will get better if you stay focused and go after what you what. Things can get very difficult but stick it through and you will prevail!

Ob La Di, Ob La Da

They say that the only constant thing in life is change. On a daily basis, we are too close to the action to see the small things that are different to notice. But take a step back and see what has happened over a period of time and the changes pop out and smack you in the face! The important part is to not forget to step back and see what has been happening.

I’ve been on a role lately for doing what I am supposed to be doing at this point, working away, saving money, living a better life, but I’ve been a little stagnant when it comes to change. I haven’t been trying to improve anything else, getting stuck in to a routine that is figuratively death for those that are dedicated to change themselves. There should not be a time when you stop the process. Getting in to a routine is easy for humans, habits drive us, but they also get us into trouble as we forget why we were doing something in the first place and just do it.

I have been incredibly happy with my life and proud of myself for making this far already with my change, but there is still plenty of work to be done and I need to be more accountable to myself then I have the last few weeks.  I need to crack that proverbial whip to get back into things and make sure my journey continues.

It is nice to stop and smell the roses, and just enjoy the moment, but I need to stay focused on the big picture. Let’s keep going!!

Her

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve had “Get Her Back” on The List since the beginning, and for a long time, I wasn’t sure when to cross it off. In love you never seem to be sure what might happen. You can be as blissful as can be and it can make you blind to things that are around the corner, things that can turn joy in to sadness, happiness in to pain, all at the blink of an eye. Love is a powerful thing. It has turned leaders into beggars, cities into ruins, gold into tin. But it also works the other way.

When I first lost her, I didn’t think I would ever be with her again. I didn’t deserve such a beautiful angel in my life. She was everything, and I was nothing. And worse, I had hurt her. I was not worthy of such an incredible woman. I was devastated beyond belief when we ended our relationship in February, but I accepted it because I felt it was deserving of my actions and behaviour. I wanted to fight so badly to earn her love, respect, and trust back, but I didn’t feel it was my fight to have. But I was wrong.

Love is love. And no matter what happens in life, when you love someone, you love them, no matter what.

Her and I have been on a great path for several months now, and everyday we get stronger. Our lives are quickly forming together and we are planning a future together again. We talk of marriage, of babies, of life 20, 30, 40 years later, and we mean it. I feel secure in our relationship, and I believe in our love for each other.

She has seen me at my worst, and has stood at my side, supporting me, comforting me, loving me.

I am myself in a relationship for the first time ever, and it is her that has brought it out in me. She has been my motivation for many of the changes I have been making. I want to be a better man for her as well as for myself.

Today is an arbitrary day to be doing this, but it is of no matter. I have been feeling this way for quite some time and it is now that I write this post, so today shall be the day. I love her with all of my heart, and her the same, and I feel that we are focused on building a life together and will stick together no matter what comes our way. We are one, love at its best. Love like no other.

Today I cross it off my list, I have earned her love and respect back.

*I also just noticed that this was my 100th post. I am happy it was this one.*

Families Are Frustrating

One of the biggest obstacles for me on this journey, as if there weren’t enough of them, was to overcome my negative feelings towards my family. I didn’t have a particularly smooth childhood and as an adult I was left with feelings of disappointment and resentment towards them. I nursed this pain for years and both myself and my parents rarely reached out to try to repair all of the damage that has been done. It has been frustrating to not have that family connection that so many people take for granted. I wanted it, but because of our past, we wouldn’t even try.

Going through my journey this year, I found a renewed urge to reconnect with my family. I had been working out my issues with my councellor and learned to forget the pain and focus on all the good things that happened in my childhood. I felt great to let that weight go, I have been carrying it for so long and it just felt normal to keep it there.

I was the one to reach back out to my family and when I did, I received great response. Things moved quickly back towards a positive relationship with them and I felt great that I could recapture what I thought was lost forever. When I rekindled with her, it became a personal mission to build a strong relationship with all members of my family so if and when she and I got married, she would be able to enjoy a second family. For several weeks now we’ve been planning a visit to to parents house. And to make things more exciting, my sister, who lives very far away, came down this week as well. So it was going to be a perfect trip to get her to see my entire family, and it would be great for me to see my entire family after I’ve been making all the progress I have. I felt really good about it all.

This morning we were supposed to travel up there, but I received not one, but two disappointments. My mother and my sister, both changed the plans and didn’t give me much warning. One of my mother’s cats fell ill and had to be put down so my mother was obviously upset and not up for a fun friendly visit, so although I was deeply disappointed, I understood. What made things worse was my sister cancelling on me this morning. She is the one that is very difficult to see regularly because of where she lives, so it was a very exciting time to be able to see her and have her meet my love. But without warning, my sister went back home and only told me after. Even with countless requests from me to stick around at least for the morning so we could see each other. It is extremely disappointing. I want to try so hard to rebuild with my family, and it feels like they don’t care. Maybe they are not ready, maybe they just don’t want to. I really can’t say.

I suppose these things happen though, and it shouldn’t be taken personally. We can visit my parents any time, they aren’t too far away, and I guess I’ll just have to work something out with my sister again before the summer is out. I want to stay positive with all this but it is very difficult. Families are frustrating and a lot of work. I can’t just expect things to be perfect right away just because I feel like I am ready. They need time to adjust too. Baby steps. We’ll get there.