As much as I am doing all I am to better myself so I can call myself a Man, I truly realize today that I am doing it all for her. So that she can respect me again and look at me again as a Man. I thought I had been motivating myself to succeed all of this time, but today, I realized that everything, all my progress, all of my successes, have been driven by my desire to be better for her.
Please do not misunderstand. I am not a co-dependant person and do not need approval from others to feel better about myself, this is not what I am talking about. My motivation, my need to be a better man, my strength to do it all, is found through my need for her. She inspires me to do better, she is the reason I haven’t given up the many times I could have. She has been a constant thought in my mind through all of this. At the beginning of it all when everything fell apart, my first concern wasn’t my own well being, it was whether she was going to be okay.
Talking with her lately, sharing what’s going on, has kept me accountable to my list and to her. I can’t fall into my old patterns because I need her to see that I can do this. I want her to see that I am truly a good person at heart and that she can trust me.
Just yesterday, she indirectly called me out for falling into an old pattern. I didn’t realize it was happening, I was just acting as I normally would. But she said something, nothing direct, but it stuck with me and I processed it and and realized that I was falling back again, and I chose to stop it. If she wasn’t there, I would have slipped and not even have noticed. Looking back at it all, I can see that she has done that for me this entire time. She isn’t directly calling me out on anything, but having her there, has kept me from failing in my journey.
She is the reason for all of this, and as long as she is with me, I will never stop my journey.