It has been three whole weeks since I wrote my last blog post and it feels like an absolute eternity. I feel like I’ve lived an entire year over the past 21 days and am no closer to my end goals than I was when I started. There have been some huge ups, and there have been some massive downs lately. It has been a struggle to keep everything together in my mind and my heart. It has been difficult to continue being positive and moving forward, with so many set backs, but I am still moving on. There are many people who are trying to prevent me from doing this, focusing on my past deeds, and probably rightly so. Just because I’m focusing on becoming a better person does not mean that people will just forget my past. I wish they would though. I want nothing more than to just have my new life, without my old life seeping in at unexpected times. I am realizing that this might be too much to ask though. Even if I do become a completely new man inside of me, my old self will always haunt me. Over time, I am sure that this will dissipate, but right now it feels hopeless. I can’t give up though. Things are tough right now, but I need to stay focused on that end goal. I want my new life but it’s obvious now that it is more than just personal growth that will get me there. I can’t just ignore my past actions, I need to atone for them and accept any responsibilities and consequences that I’ve already earned. Only then, can I truly move forward without worry of my past creeping up on me and disrupting my journey. I am scared to face everything I have done, but I can’t keep running.
After reading a post from a fellow Blogger “Fun Girls Live Better” entitled, “I am Too Happy To Write!” I realized that I too, find that writing is much more attractive when going through rough times. When emotions are dark and dreary, words just pour out of me with little difficulty. However, when times are good, I seem to never have any thing to write about, or time for that matter. Writing seems to take a seat when I am feeling good. It is a funny thing this whole writing shtick. We want to capture the full range of our feelings when we write, but we only feel the need to do so when we feel dark. I guess this is why most writers are looked at as depressed, alcoholic, loners, because when we are writing, that is usually the case.
When feeling sad and hopeless, writers their craft as a way of working through their issues, expressing their thoughts on paper to make them more real, more tangible and thus more likely to be understood. But when we are happy, we avoid this. Why? Perhaps we are afraid to analyze our happiness out of fear that if we disturb it, it might disappear?
For whatever reason, I feel it is a funny quirk shared by most writers. To say the least, I am indeed happy at the moment, but there is still much work to do before calling myself a man again. And I will continue to write about my journey, no matter how dark or bright my feelings are.
I am so very lucky. Recently, her and I spent an entire day together. It started by waking up beside her and only got better. We took a long walk in the park and talked a lot about life and us. We then sat on a park bench, cuddled up, and continued chatting. As the day, which was absolutely gorgeous out, waned on, we moved to her patio where we continued to talk and enjoy each other’s company. When the evening approached, we set out to watch a move where we hsd a great time chatting, joking, and jusy being around each other. Then continued to talk and be with each other for the rest of the evening.
It has been so long since I was able to connect with her like this. It made me remember why I fell for her in the first place. We have such a great chemistry together and always enjoy each other’s company.
With everything thst has happened, even though we’ve hsd some bumps along the way, her and I found each other again and easily fell back into each other. It feels a lot like before, but this time I feel a stronger desire, more trust, more love than we had the first time around. I really think we are getting there. She is the only one for me, and everyday, that feeling grows.
I’ve gotten to the point in my journey where I am now able to focus on things that I’ve been neglecting or wanting to improve, but never took the leap. I had mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to improve my health habits and this included the daunting task of cutting back my coffee consumption.
My challenge to myself began by reducing my exorborant consumption from 5-6 large cups down to 1-2 medium cups per day.
The first few days of May went so well, I had easily reduced my consumption right down to one cup of coffee rather than two. I felt so good that I decided to try to go an entire day without coffee. Which I was able to achieve. With this new found confidence in my will power, I made the decision to up my challenge and cut out coffee completely for the rest of the month.
I’ve tried this before, but I’ve never been able to last longer than a week when I’ve put this challenge to myself in the past, but my new positive attitude was giving me the motivation I needed to believe I could succeed.
The first few days were a walk in the park. I didn’t crave coffee, and I didn’t experience any of the effects of caffeine withdrawal. However, yesterday I caught myself staring, not glancing, starting for an uncomfortable amount of time at a gentleman drinking a starbucks coffee. Although he never said anything, I’m sure he noticed my lingering eyes.
Even worse than just the craving, I starting suffering from a withdrawal headache yesterday. It was painful and I started bargaining with myself so I could allow one cup of sweet java. I didn’t break though. I fought against the urge, and the pain and eventually both subsided.
This is going to be a very tough month, but I will be incredibly proud of myself if I can do this.
This has been a very interesting weekend to say the least. But because this is a blog of my thoughts and feelings along my journey, I’m going to say much more.
For a while now, I thought that she had just about enough of m. I thought she felt wo betrayed and angry that her and I would probably never speak again, let alone reconcile our relationship.
A few days ago I received a text message from her, asking to meet up. I was nervous, and figured that this was the big “closure” talk we needed to have so we could both move on. We agreed on a date and I spent the next few days in sorrow feeling that this would be the last time I ever see her. A few days passed and I received another text from her, asking if I could send her an update on how I am doing since we haven’t talked in so long. I was happy to do so and spent several hours putting together an email update on my life this past month. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that there has been some huge progress lately. I sent it off and waited for a response. She texted me soon after and asked if we could meet sooner. Still not knowing where her mind was at, I agreed to come by her house a few days earlier. I spent the days inbetween racking my mind on what might transpire when we met up and was still unsure whst to expect right up to the point where I knocked on her door that evening.
She opened the door and I felt a wave of calm rush over me. Any negative feeling, about her, about life, about anything, disappeared. I was suddenly just happy to be in that doorway with her. Nothing else mattered. We hugged for the first time in over a month and I almost broke down in tears because of all the emotions that surfaced. I realized just how much I wanted her, needed her in my life.
We spent the evening talking away, first by going over the update emails sent between us, then going into greater detail about how we were feeling about life, the universe, and everything. We found that there had been an incredible disconnect between us and we had been miscommunicating our true feelings for quite some time.
We talked early into the morning, despite being exhausted, we didn’t want to interrupt the flow, the progress of our reconnection.
The end result is that we talked out all of our outstanding issues with each other and what might keep us from moving forward. The most surprising, and relieving part of it all, was how easy it was to share my feelings and thoughts. I no longer felt guarded or scared to trust her. I felt at home.
Over the next few days we’ve been continuing our discussion and trying to get back to where we were before I wrecked everything. I feel our connection is much stronger now as a result and that we’ll be have a much more open relationship in regards to our feelings and thoughts. With everything I’ve gone through to improve myself, I can actually see real change in how I interact with people, especially her.
I joked with her the other day that with our progress, I would be able to cross a very important item off my list, “Get Her Back.” Though I don’t want to jump ahead of myself and claim success when its only been a few days, her and I are now travelling this path together, becoming stronger than we were before. I now understand that I am not getting her back, but rather, earning her and her trust back.
Yesterday started off incredibly well and ended very badly. I have to try to ignore what is happening outside of my own life. I can’t control other people and what they say. I can only focus on me.