Ob La Di, Ob La Da

They say that the only constant thing in life is change. On a daily basis, we are too close to the action to see the small things that are different to notice. But take a step back and see what has happened over a period of time and the changes pop out and smack you in the face! The important part is to not forget to step back and see what has been happening.

I’ve been on a role lately for doing what I am supposed to be doing at this point, working away, saving money, living a better life, but I’ve been a little stagnant when it comes to change. I haven’t been trying to improve anything else, getting stuck in to a routine that is figuratively death for those that are dedicated to change themselves. There should not be a time when you stop the process. Getting in to a routine is easy for humans, habits drive us, but they also get us into trouble as we forget why we were doing something in the first place and just do it.

I have been incredibly happy with my life and proud of myself for making this far already with my change, but there is still plenty of work to be done and I need to be more accountable to myself then I have the last few weeks.  I need to crack that proverbial whip to get back into things and make sure my journey continues.

It is nice to stop and smell the roses, and just enjoy the moment, but I need to stay focused on the big picture. Let’s keep going!!

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Saying Sorry

Last night I decided it was finally time to do something about the heavy burden and guilt on my shoulders. As I’ve mentioned more than a few times, everything in my life fell apart because I made some bad decisions and acted in a wrongful manner that not only hurt some of my closest friends, but hurt a community at large. This shame, embarrassment, and disgust has been on my mind for months and I’ve wanted nothing more but to rid myself of it so I could stay positive and move forward with my life.

Now that I have rectified my wrongful actions, and in a good state of mind about myself and the future, I wanted to reach out to some of those who I particularly hurt and apologize for what I had done.

I wrote out pages and pages of of what I was feeling explaining how much regret and remorse I felt. It felt good to get it out because I haven’t been able to share these feelings with anyone other than my therapist. I then personalized an email to each person that I wanted to say I was sorry to. My hands shaking and I was holding myself back from tears the entire time I typed. I exposed myself more than I’ve ever been exposed before and it scared the hell out of me.

Even before I could press “Send” I sat there in a moment of reflection for each and every person I was apologizing too. I thought about them and how I wronged them. Wondering what they were up to at that particular moment. I know they will probably never forgive me, I know they probably won’t ever speak to me again, but I need to apologize nonetheless. I owe it to them. I hesitated so much to send those apologies out. But I had to.

Afterwards, I felt a bit of weight come off my shoulders. I felt better, but not as much as I anticipated. There is too much guilt on my mind for me just to feel better by sending an email apology. I know that I will have to carry the weight of my mistakes with me the rest of my life. There is nothing I can do about that. I can only focus on moving forward and being a better person. These people that I have wronged, some of my best friends and mentors, are people that I may never be able to connect with again. I deserve it.

This was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life and I regret everything. My only solace is that I can take these lessons and learn from them.

Work Hard and The Right People Will Join You

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I was originally going to post the quote about how if people aren’t there during your struggle then not to expect to be there during your success, but that quote seems a little too negative for how I am feeling.

It is true that when things fell apart for me, a lot of people, almost everyone I knew, turned their back on me and shut me out. Understandably given the circumstances, but there were a few that despite everything I did, still maintained contact and wished me the best while I worked through everything. Originally, I was mad at those who turned their back, but I have taken a lot of time to think about it and I’ve let that anger go. I can’t blame them for acting the way they did. They felt betrayed themselves and from their point of view, I was the one that turned my back on them.

So instead of being negative, I’ve posted this quote instead. As I am starting to see the light with all of my rebuilding efforts, people are starting to come out of the woodwork to reconnect with me. There is no provocation on my part, they are reaching out to me to reconnect. It is a relief that people are getting to the point where they feel they can once again talk to me. It means that I am getting back to the point where, although they may not trust me, they want to repair the relationship and start working on the trust again.

I am going to meet with each and every single person that wants to meet up with me. On the List, one of my goals is to repair relationships and by meeting with those who are willing, I can start setting those relationships back on the right path.

This quote rings quite true. Now that I have made these changes and am focusing on becoming a better person, people are starting to take notice and are willing to reach out and reconnect. The only question is that if things ever go to shit again, will these people stick around? But the way I am setting my life up now, that will never be something I’ll have to worry about.

Work Hard, Be True To Yourself, and What You Want Will Come To You.

Feeling Grateful

This morning I woke up with a new sense of hope. Perhaps it has something to do with the weather and how Spring has finally come around and brought us warmer temperatures and sunshine. Perhaps, it is because things feel like they are on the right track again. Last week I had some serious slips and felt like I would fall back into the abyss that I had created for myself over the years. I was close, and it brought with it much despair. But this morning, waking up to sunshine on my face and a full new day and week ahead of me I had nothing but positive feelings. I spent the morning planning and organizing my week and it made me feel even better. I have purpose, I have direction, I have goals, and I have the drive. I can see a few of my goals from The List about to be completed and I am starting to feel even more motivated to continue. I’ve been working away on my massive life to-do list for a while and as I cross items off, the better I am feeling. Incremental steps, as long as they are in the right direction, are always a good thing, no matter how small.

Although I owe a lot of my progress over the last month to my own personal drive to change, there are a few wonderful people out there that have supported me and given me the strength and help I needed to put my life back together. I am realizing that my past self did not give these people the respect and love they deserved. They have always been there for me and I never really appreciated it. But I am now. These people have done so much, though they wouldn’t think it much, but they have given me so much and I will not squander it. Friends are one of the most important things you can ever have. It’s not the number of friends though. The old me was dedicated to just acquiring mass amounts of friends, and it didn’t bring any fulfilment. It’s about the quality of the friendships that you keep. True caring is hard to come by and build, and very difficult to maintain if you’re dividing your time among large groups of people. A small group of really good friends is the way to go. This is a great realization. And through this ordeal, my true friends have shown themselves, and I love them for it.

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People Will Always Surprise You

Tonight I made it my mission to face one of my biggest fears with everything that has been happening. I decided that it was time to reach out to some of my friends and let them know what has been going on.

Because of my stature and involvement in the community, word of my misdeeds travelled very quickly and it was only a matter of days before the rumours made it to the ears of most of my connections and friends. At that time, I received a few messages from some that were particularly angry, understandably. I couldn’t do much when I received these messages, they had every right to be angry and disappointed. My actions let down an entire community and had broken trust with so many people that I admired and respected, and of those that admired and respected me in return.

I had decided at that time, that it would be best if I just disappear for a while and not make contact with anyone. I sent a few emails out to people that were directly affected by my actions, but others who I considered friends, I just disappeared.

For a few days, nothing happened. I am sure the rumours continued to fly, and as a result more and more people would develop a negative image of me. Again, understandably. I chose to stay out of it all and stay silent. Eventually those rumours would dissipate. And besides, at this point, what did it really matter what people thought? I had done something horrible, and no amount of anger or disappointment from others, would make me feel worse than I did already.

It has been just about over a month since I made my exit from the community. Over this past month, I’ve received numerous emails and messages from people wondering what was going on. I thought surely they had heard the rumours by now, why would they want to contact me?

Reading through the messages tonight, I started to realize that, yes, they probably heard all of the rumours, but despite what they heard, they still wanted to reach out to me. They still wanted to make sure I was okay. At first I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t feel I deserved any concern from anyone, and really, I still don’t feel I deserve it. But I do understand it. They cared for my well being, despite my mistakes.

Tonight, I felt I should reply to these people and at least alleviate their concern. There was a time during all this that I thought I would hurt myself. Something I am sure crossed the minds of others looking at my situation, and I didn’t want people to worry.

I sent out messages tonight to everyone that contacted me over this past month. I said that I was okay, explained why I decided to go silent, and that I was dealing with everything in the best way I could. I wanted them to know that I was regretful of my actions, but that I was taking this as an opportunity to become a better man. I didn’t want to assume they had heard any rumours, but I mentioned the rumours in my messages and invited them all to meet with me once everything was settled. When I sent them out, I didn’t expect a single reply. I figured that once people knew that I was still alive, they would breathe a sigh of minor relief then just ignore my existence and move on.

Something happened though that I didn’t expect. I started receiving replies from people. Each reply was positive, and understanding. Each person I have received a reply from so far understands that this is a difficult time for me, and despite what they have heard (yes, they’ve all heard what’s been going on), they wish me strength while I move forward and learn from all this.

They all said they are there for me.

For the past month, I’ve felt that I was completely alone. I expected this to be the case until I ended up leaving this community and started a new life elsewhere. I’m starting to find that even though I’ve done something completely reprehensible, people are still there for me. Despite my disreputable actions, people still feel that I am a good person inside.

Knowing this feels me with more hope and motivation to succeed than anything I’ve ever experienced before.

People will always surprise you.

Peaking Into The World

It has been just over a month since everything in my life fell apart, and over the past month, I’ve lived in almost complete isolation. It was better to keep people at a distance while I figured out my situation and started putting things back together. That, and I was terrified to be seen in public because of what I had done. I didn’t want to see anyone that I knew and have to have a conversation with them, regardless if they knew what was going on. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and just couldn’t handle the social pressure anymore.

I embraced my isolation. After I overcame the initial depression where I was just laying in bed all day, I read a lot more, got caught up on a few things I had been neglecting, and of course, starting getting my shit together. You would be surprised how much you can accomplish when you don’t have to worry about attending the cool and hip events in your social community.

I knew that one day though, I would need to re-emerge. But I was really scared, and didn’t think I would be ready for a long time. My first real exposure to the world outside came when I met her this past weekend. Although I was stressed to be outside in the first place, talking with her, and connecting again relieved some of the worry I had been feeling about being in public.

A week or so ago, a friend of mine reached out to me to see if I wanted to grab breakfast with him. Him and I used to meet weekly to talk about life, our aspirations, our frustrations, and anything that came to mind. I considered him one of my best friends. When everything went down, he was one that I was particularly ashamed to talk to because of the mutual respect we had for each other. I was reluctant, but agreed to meet with him. I had emailed him previously, letting him know everything that had happened, just so he knew why I was keeping my distance, and unexpectedly, he understood, and offered support. A true friend.

Knowing that, I agreed to meet with him and we had a nice chat. He brought some normalcy into my life again. It was great to see him. Although while I was out, my eyes darted the room regularly and I felt awkward just sitting where I was, it felt good to be doing the one of the things that used to come so naturally.

After both this meeting and the one with her, I feel it might be time to start reaching out to others in my life that have been asking about me and wondering what has been going on. Tonight I feel like I need to start coming out of my shell a bit and let the ones I love the most in this community know what has been happening and that I am okay. I am not sure what their responses will be, but eventually this needed to be done, and now feels like the right time.