Behind the Times

In true blog fashion, I have neglected to update my blog in quite some time. 8 months actually. It has been a very busy and productive 8 months and there have been many, many changes in my life. All of which have been moving me closer to my end goal of being able to fully understand who I am and what I am meant to do with this life. Because it has been so long, I’ll need to revisit The List and see where I stand now, in order to make better laid plans for the future. The next few posts will be recaps of the events that have occurred, and although I regret not documenting them at the time, I still feel many of the emotions and remember the thoughts I had at those times. It will be nice to reflect on the big changes that have happened this year.

Excellence is a Habit

Sticking to the Plan

Today is October 1 and it marks for me, an important reminder on where I came from and where I am going. I’ve been very motivated the past few weeks and today I took a hard look at where I am, where I’ve been, and where I am going, and I am more motivated now than I ever have been before. My confidence is returning and my determination to succeed is high. I am following my plans and I am seeing the positive changes they are making. They are small right now, but they are positive, and they have been incremental, but always increasing.

Having a well defined plan is absolutely paramount when trying to make changes in your life. Not only does it give you adequate direction on where you should be and what you need to do to get there, but it also provides you with a track record of your accomplishments so far, and keeps you accountable to continuing.

There have been many times during this journey that I’ve fallen astray from my plan, times when I thought things were hopeless and impossible to change. That damn monkey hanging around leaving banana peels everywhere for me to slip on. But I keep looking back to my plan, and what I want to see myself to be, and it always brings me back, stronger, and more dedicated than before to achieving my goals.

I have definite goals, and a definitely plan on how to get there in my mind, and now, on paper. And all I have to do, is follow the steps that I have laid out for me and success will be inevitable. It seemed impossible at first, but now, it seems silly that I didn’t start this earlier.

Compound interest is not just a financial term. If you make small, incremental changes in your life, they will eventually turn into big changes down the road, just stay focused.

This will be a game changing month, I can feel it, and one that will mark the true turning around point in my life.

Being A Gentleman

One of the many different blogs I have come across to help find motivation and guidance during my journey has been The Fierce Gentleman. Its a blog dedicated to helping men become real, honest to goodness gentleman. And provides a thorough, and quite impressive, Fierce Gentleman Manifesto to help keep their vision on track.

There was one post this morning that I read that really stuck with me. Talking about the 10 Qualities that Make a Fierce Gentleman, this post provided a detailed list of just what it takes to be a Gentleman. All of the items were bang on with what a Gentleman is comprised of, and most of these I am working on, or planning to work on after the priorities are taken care of.

They were all great, but the one that impacted me the most was number 5:  “He has done, and is doing, his work.” 

Summarily, this item mentions that a Fierce Gentleman is always improving himself in every aspect of his life, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, financial, social, sexual, or spiritual. It mentions that a Fierce Gentleman should not be afraid to consult experts and seek help when pursuing these improvements. I couldn’t agree more.

This is the journey I am on now, and although I felt right when I started pursuing it, it is always good to find qualification on my plan from another source.

I am continuing my journey, making it a part of each and every day. I feel that something has changed today. There is something new, that wasn’t inside of me before. Something that has recommitted me to my journey and motivated me to tackle every aspect of myself that I am not happy with. I feel I can do this.

Home is where the Heart Is

For the past 8 years I have moved around a lot. For the past 8 years I have moved my belongings in and out of different places. For the past 8 years, I’ve lived with many different people. For the past 8 years, I have not felt like I have had a home.

Constantly changing circumstances in my life over the last 8 years kept me in a state of shelter flux. Where I would find a place to live that suited my current lifestyle, then usually before the year was out, I’d need or want to move on to something else that better suited my new situation. Even before I started living out on my own, my family would move regularly, almost once a year as well, as financial situations changed. I guess I just got used to moving regularly. It continued for so long that I completely lost the feeling of being “home.” I could never plant my feet and start growing roots anywhere because I was never sure what would be happening in the near future.

It made me feel anxious and disconnected all the time. It was like a piece of my identity was missing. I always had a place to live and keep my stuff, but it never felt completely safe, never felt like it was my place, just a temporary spot to sleep until the next thing came along. With every new place I moved in to, I wondered if this might finally be the place where I get to rest and understand what it means to be home again. But every time, just when I thought I was getting comfortable, things would change, and I’d be moving somewhere else.

Near the beginning of this year, I experienced what it meant to truly be homeless. To actually not have a place to keep my own things or even sleep. It was terrible, and after that night, I knew that things had to change. My desire for home became stronger than ever.

I’ve already talked about staying at my friend’s house during the most difficult part of this past year, and although it was shelter, it was not home. I swore to myself that I would find a place, but even when searching for an apartment, I was still looking for a temporary solution, for something that would just get me out of my friend’s house. All that would have changed was that I would be staying with strangers instead of a friend. I thought about moving back in with my parents, several times, but the idea was just too humiliating. I couldn’t regress that much on my journey. Not if I wanted to be able to find myself back on the right path.

When I contemplated leaving this city for a job (and potential career), I envisioned a life there, with my own place, building my identity again, all because I had a place to call my home. Those plans of course changed when her and I started seeing each other again. Then, I started to envision a different life, with a home closer to my love, with thoughts of one day, perhaps building our lives together and merging them into one.

However, that seemed like a pipe dream at that point. I was just fortunate enough that she wanted to talk to me again, let alone think about planning a life with me.

Life has a funny way of working though. After some time, we actually did start planning a life together again and focusing on our future, together. Though I didn’t expect things to move as quickly as they have, I never imagined I would be today where I am now.

For the past 3 weeks, her and I have been living together, officially, and it has been wonderful. She has been terrific in opening up her house to me and sharing her space. Slowly, I am bringing more of myself into her house, and we are building a home together.  Day by day, I am feeling more comfortable living under the same roof, taking care of things that need to be taken care of, feeling more responsible for my surroundings, knowing that this is my living space too. The fear of having to move some place else is fading with each night that we go to bed together and the joy of planting roots greets me every morning when I wake up beside her.

After countless years, I am starting to regain that feeling of warmth and safety of a home. But it is more than the four walls and the roof that make me feel the way I do. It is not the couch that I can sit down on and and relax, nor the bookshelf that holds all of my books. It is not the closet where we hang our clothes, or the bathroom where I make myself pretty every day. She has played a big part in helping me find what I have been missing for so many years. Today I can cross off another item on my list.

She is what is making me feel home.

Before You Do Anything…

Staying Organized with a New Method

I came across this video today that explains how to use a “Bullet Journal” which is meant to help keep you organized in your life. This is right up my alley and I am going to give it a try and see how it works for me. I know I need a better system than I have now, because it is definitely not working.

 

 

New Chapters

Moving Forward

After a tense and heart wrenching evening, she and I put it all out on the table. Everything was laid out between us, mostly my garbage, and we took a look at our potential future together. She wanted to be able to trust me, and I wanted her to. But she needed to know everything first before she could find that trust again.

For the first few days after I told her every secret I had, every mistake I had made that has and might have future implications for our relationship, things became a little less tense. It was a huge relief to have everything open between us. No more anxiety when a certain topic came up, no more guilt for lying to cover up some stupid past mistake I made. She knows it all now, and guess what? She’s okay with it and wants to keep moving forward.

That’s some serious commitment. I am very lucky that she loves me that much to go through this, and only now, after a year, be given all of my skeletons, and still want to keep moving forward.

I know that I can never make this mistake with her again. I need to be completely transparent and honest with her, no matter what. Even if I slip one just one little time again, I know that will be it for us.

She has been wonderful in helping me put things together and build a plan so I can get everything in order. I feel confident and excited to tackle the rest of my outstanding issues in order to move forward with our life together and continue to build something special.

I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for not bringing her completely in sooner, but I tell you, right now, I feel pretty darn good about the future. I am no longer worried or scared, I am focused and determined.

I knew when I first met her that she was different than anyone I have ever met. When we fell in love, I knew that it was a love I had never experienced before. This relationship is for keeps. She is incredible for sticking by me and I owe it to her to stay completely honest and open. I feel I can do it.

Ob La Di, Ob La Da

They say that the only constant thing in life is change. On a daily basis, we are too close to the action to see the small things that are different to notice. But take a step back and see what has happened over a period of time and the changes pop out and smack you in the face! The important part is to not forget to step back and see what has been happening.

I’ve been on a role lately for doing what I am supposed to be doing at this point, working away, saving money, living a better life, but I’ve been a little stagnant when it comes to change. I haven’t been trying to improve anything else, getting stuck in to a routine that is figuratively death for those that are dedicated to change themselves. There should not be a time when you stop the process. Getting in to a routine is easy for humans, habits drive us, but they also get us into trouble as we forget why we were doing something in the first place and just do it.

I have been incredibly happy with my life and proud of myself for making this far already with my change, but there is still plenty of work to be done and I need to be more accountable to myself then I have the last few weeks.  I need to crack that proverbial whip to get back into things and make sure my journey continues.

It is nice to stop and smell the roses, and just enjoy the moment, but I need to stay focused on the big picture. Let’s keep going!!