Out in the Open

As much as I have been trying to change, there have been several things holding me back. Mistakes from my past that I’ve been overlooking, delaying, ignoring, that have prevented me from fully changing and moving forward in the right direction. I was ashamed of these mistakes, and didn’t want them to affect my future, so, like a fool, I kept them quiet and tried to live my life pretending like these mistakes didn’t exist. You must know the story, eventually, the past starts to creep back into the present which puts a damper on any plans for the future.

Although I have been trying to change many things, I was not changing this very important part of myself, and, as expected, eventually started to cause some real problems. I’ve been lying, keeping these things from the one I love, the person I am supposed to be building a life together with, and what for? Because I was ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, angry with myself for even going through these things. It was hard to acknowledge that I had made such stupid choices in my past. However, trying to forget those choices prevented me from learning those valuable lessons you learn from mistakes, which has not allowed for true growth.

Last night, it all came out. She has been feeling that our trust has been waning, due to my past creeping back in, and she wanted to get the whole picture. So, she confronted me with a list of questions that would address all of the major hurdles that a couple might face. She wanted me to answer them all, in front of her, with complete honesty, right there. As I scanned down the page, I started filling with panic, everything, all of the mistakes that I’ve been hiding from her, all the bad choices that I made and was suffering the consequences from, were all on the page. I was terrified because I had already been telling her things that I should have told her a long time ago, and she was in a position where she was running out of patience. I thought that by the time I finished this list of questions for her, she’d be done with me. All of those lies and secrets I’ve been keeping from her would be too much and she’d feel it would be easier to cut me loose.

I figured, it was now or never then. If I was ever going to tell her these things, I’d better do it now. I finally understood that we needed complete trust, no matter how sad or pathetic I looked, she needed to know these things and make the decision herself on what to do with us and our relationship. I figured that this was it for us, there was no way she would stick by after I shared every skeleton with her.

I did. It was difficult and emotional, and I was scared the whole time. I was shaking but I did everything in my power to not show it. I was in the process of losing the love of my life by my own hand and it made me feel sick. I wanted to run away, I wanted to disappear and just let life move on without me. But I kept answering these questions, I owed it to her.

She was surprised by many of the answers, not so surprised by others. She never thanked me for answering them, but seemed a little relieved although still tense about this information being out. All of it came out. I don’t have any more secrets that she doesn’t know. And although that is somewhat liberating for me, I am still not sure where her and I stand at this time. We ended up going to sleep after we went through them all. Well, she slept, I am not sure how much sleep I really got last night.

Now its the morning after, and today she’ll have time to process everything. I still feel ashamed and embarrassed, and angry at myself for having to go through with this. I still feel fear that we’re done as a couple, I’ve just made too many mistakes to be a suitable mate. Time will tell. I want to fight for her, but I’ve got nothing left but my heart and the will to change. I don’t want to lose her, and hopefully, love will prevail and she’ll have a shred of patience left in me so I can truly move forward and become the man that she deserves. The man I want to be.

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