More than I deserve

Life has been going pretty well over the past few months. Things have been on the up and up and real change has been progressing in my life. I am feeling happy and in more control than I have before. The things that really matter are apparent to me now and I am focused on them. However, all through this stage of growth, I’ve still been keeping a secret. A secret from my past that actually was the cause of most of my trouble over the past few years to begin with. I had been acting like everything in life was great, and there was nothing but rainbows and sunshine ahead of me, and she was lulled into a false sense of security because I didn’t tell her the truth. I told her that everything was settled when they really weren’t. I can’t say exactly what the through process was by not telling her, but I know I felt ashamed and embarassed for letting it go as long as I did and not resolving it. I’ve been very lucky that things haven’t escalated because of my lack of action in resolving this issue, and I’ve also been very lucky that she has stood by me, even after she found out that I had been keeping this from her.

She is a very good woman and has given me more chances than a person deserves. I love her more than I ever could describe, she is everything to me, and still, I couldn’t tell her about this. It is a big deal and has implications that will delay our plans, and it makes me feel like less of a man for one, not dealing with it in the first place, and two, not telling her about it when she had confronted me about it, several times.

I am trying to be a better man than I was but I really need to get over the feeling of embarassment when asking for help. I should be able to feel helpless in front of her, that’s part of love, sharing everything so we can rely on each other. I am lucky to have her in my life, lucky that she has had the patience to draw out the truth from all of the mistrust and deception over the past year, lucky that she has the dedication and love for me to want to help me, rather than leave me. Despite my many, many shortcomings, she is there for me, and I feel that I just don’t deserve her love. I feel like I have been letting myself get away with way to much. I need to be completely honest with her and with myself. It is worse that I don’t say anything rather than let it out and deal with it together. She is my love, she is my life, my future, my everything and I need to do whatever it takes to make sure she sticks around. I don’t know what I would do if I lost her.

No more lies. I need to get my shit together.

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