One of the biggest obstacles for me on this journey, as if there weren’t enough of them, was to overcome my negative feelings towards my family. I didn’t have a particularly smooth childhood and as an adult I was left with feelings of disappointment and resentment towards them. I nursed this pain for years and both myself and my parents rarely reached out to try to repair all of the damage that has been done. It has been frustrating to not have that family connection that so many people take for granted. I wanted it, but because of our past, we wouldn’t even try.
Going through my journey this year, I found a renewed urge to reconnect with my family. I had been working out my issues with my councellor and learned to forget the pain and focus on all the good things that happened in my childhood. I felt great to let that weight go, I have been carrying it for so long and it just felt normal to keep it there.
I was the one to reach back out to my family and when I did, I received great response. Things moved quickly back towards a positive relationship with them and I felt great that I could recapture what I thought was lost forever. When I rekindled with her, it became a personal mission to build a strong relationship with all members of my family so if and when she and I got married, she would be able to enjoy a second family. For several weeks now we’ve been planning a visit to to parents house. And to make things more exciting, my sister, who lives very far away, came down this week as well. So it was going to be a perfect trip to get her to see my entire family, and it would be great for me to see my entire family after I’ve been making all the progress I have. I felt really good about it all.
This morning we were supposed to travel up there, but I received not one, but two disappointments. My mother and my sister, both changed the plans and didn’t give me much warning. One of my mother’s cats fell ill and had to be put down so my mother was obviously upset and not up for a fun friendly visit, so although I was deeply disappointed, I understood. What made things worse was my sister cancelling on me this morning. She is the one that is very difficult to see regularly because of where she lives, so it was a very exciting time to be able to see her and have her meet my love. But without warning, my sister went back home and only told me after. Even with countless requests from me to stick around at least for the morning so we could see each other. It is extremely disappointing. I want to try so hard to rebuild with my family, and it feels like they don’t care. Maybe they are not ready, maybe they just don’t want to. I really can’t say.
I suppose these things happen though, and it shouldn’t be taken personally. We can visit my parents any time, they aren’t too far away, and I guess I’ll just have to work something out with my sister again before the summer is out. I want to stay positive with all this but it is very difficult. Families are frustrating and a lot of work. I can’t just expect things to be perfect right away just because I feel like I am ready. They need time to adjust too. Baby steps. We’ll get there.