I am not particularly fond of back writing posts about my life. The thoughts and feelings I had at times in the past were different then when reflecting on them later. They are distorted by my present feelings and thoughts and don’t truly reflect what was happening in the past. However, I do need to keep better track of what has been happening in my life, this is just as much a recording of my life during my journey as it is a log of my feelings and thoughts as I progress.
This past month has been, in summary, blissful and hellish at the same time. And I have had an incredibly hard time keeping sane while riding this roller coaster.
First the bliss. Her and I had started spending more time together, reacquainting ourselves with each other, finding our way back to each other. And over the past month, we did it. Even with all of the things that had been done in the past, with everything I put her though, she kept her heart open to me and let me back in when she felt ready. I am beyond elated that she has been able to accept my past and everything that has happened and focus on the future with me. She is truly an incredible woman and has helped me immensely with this process of growth and about accepting the things that cannot be changed. She is the love of my life, and I have been waiting for her forever. She is my love, and no other. I will do whatever I can to make sure we get through this and all of this mess stays behind us so her and I can build a happy life together that we can both be proud of. I owe her everything and will make sure she receives that and more. I have never, ever, seen such devotion and love outside of a Shakespearean play. It is truly love, something I now understand.
And the hell….I had mentioned in past posts that I was in a good mental state and wanted to apologize to some of those who I had wronged in the past. I had sent out apology emails and ended up getting a very negative backlash. It was tough to live through that ordeal, but things died down and I was able to move on. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it all. All of the attention that I was getting spurred on real media attention and my story was then splashed across the area. It made things much more difficult. Many people found out at that point, people that were never involved, and its been a bit of a circus the last little while. I’ve had to pretty much hide for the past few weeks while everything quieted down. Some have taken it as their personal mission to destroy me further and ended up calling my new employer to let them in on what I had done. Obviously, I was let go. I understand their position for doing so, but I don’t understand why this one person needs to keep tabs on me to ensure I can’t move on. It’s difficult enough without having someone constantly pushing you backward. I didn’t think I’d have to uncross anything on the list, but because of this, I’ve had to. And it feels like such a big defeat.
That’s a good of a summary as I can write without providing specific details. Reading back, I can remember every moment of this past month. Every exciting moment when I got to look into her eyes, every disappointing moment when people I trusted and valued sent me messages of hate, every dark thought I felt on what I could have done to escape all of this, every moment of strength when I looked at her and knew that she deserved more and that I need to push through this for us.
The only thing I can do, is keep moving forward. I need to keep quiet and just try to live. I have my own goals, my own dreams that I want to achieve, and none of them require anything other than her and I. I am more focused than I ever have been before. My life, is mine to form, and the vision I have for it now, is greater than any plan I had in the past. I will succeed, despite any obstacles.
“Everything will be all right in the end and if it’s not all right, then it’s not yet the end.”