It has been too long

It has been three whole weeks since I wrote my last blog post and it feels like an absolute eternity. I feel like I’ve lived an entire year over the past 21 days and am  no closer to my end goals than I was when I started. There have been some huge ups, and there have been some massive downs lately. It has been a struggle to keep everything together in my mind and my heart. It has been difficult to continue being positive and moving forward, with so many set backs, but I am still moving on. There are many people who are trying to prevent me from doing this, focusing on my past deeds, and probably rightly so. Just because I’m focusing on becoming a better person does not mean that people will just forget my past. I wish they would though. I want nothing more than to just have my new life, without my old life seeping in at unexpected times. I am realizing that this might be too much to ask though. Even if I do become a completely new man inside of me, my old self will always haunt me. Over time, I am sure that this will dissipate, but right now it feels hopeless. I can’t give up though. Things are tough right now, but I need to stay focused on that end goal. I want my new life but it’s obvious now that it is more than just personal growth that will get me there. I can’t just ignore my past actions, I need to atone for them and accept any responsibilities and consequences that I’ve already earned. Only then, can I truly move forward without worry of my past creeping up on me and disrupting my journey. I am scared to face everything I have done, but I can’t keep running.

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