Saying Sorry

Last night I decided it was finally time to do something about the heavy burden and guilt on my shoulders. As I’ve mentioned more than a few times, everything in my life fell apart because I made some bad decisions and acted in a wrongful manner that not only hurt some of my closest friends, but hurt a community at large. This shame, embarrassment, and disgust has been on my mind for months and I’ve wanted nothing more but to rid myself of it so I could stay positive and move forward with my life.

Now that I have rectified my wrongful actions, and in a good state of mind about myself and the future, I wanted to reach out to some of those who I particularly hurt and apologize for what I had done.

I wrote out pages and pages of of what I was feeling explaining how much regret and remorse I felt. It felt good to get it out because I haven’t been able to share these feelings with anyone other than my therapist. I then personalized an email to each person that I wanted to say I was sorry to. My hands shaking and I was holding myself back from tears the entire time I typed. I exposed myself more than I’ve ever been exposed before and it scared the hell out of me.

Even before I could press “Send” I sat there in a moment of reflection for each and every person I was apologizing too. I thought about them and how I wronged them. Wondering what they were up to at that particular moment. I know they will probably never forgive me, I know they probably won’t ever speak to me again, but I need to apologize nonetheless. I owe it to them. I hesitated so much to send those apologies out. But I had to.

Afterwards, I felt a bit of weight come off my shoulders. I felt better, but not as much as I anticipated. There is too much guilt on my mind for me just to feel better by sending an email apology. I know that I will have to carry the weight of my mistakes with me the rest of my life. There is nothing I can do about that. I can only focus on moving forward and being a better person. These people that I have wronged, some of my best friends and mentors, are people that I may never be able to connect with again. I deserve it.

This was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life and I regret everything. My only solace is that I can take these lessons and learn from them.

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4 responses to “Saying Sorry

  1. I hope they do forgive you, everyone makes mistakes you know. You are only human after all. You know you made mistakes, you held your hands up and apologized, what more can you do? Don’t beat yourself up about it, know that you did the right thing in the end, and be happy about that. You learned from it, and I think you are a better person than you believe you are!
    Jane x

    • Thank you Jane, I appreciate that. I’ve really done all I can at this point. My focus now has to be to move on and not let this weigh me down. There is a whole world out there and I can’t get myself stuck in a sorrow rut.

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