Last night I decided it was finally time to do something about the heavy burden and guilt on my shoulders. As I’ve mentioned more than a few times, everything in my life fell apart because I made some bad decisions and acted in a wrongful manner that not only hurt some of my closest friends, but hurt a community at large. This shame, embarrassment, and disgust has been on my mind for months and I’ve wanted nothing more but to rid myself of it so I could stay positive and move forward with my life.
Now that I have rectified my wrongful actions, and in a good state of mind about myself and the future, I wanted to reach out to some of those who I particularly hurt and apologize for what I had done.
I wrote out pages and pages of of what I was feeling explaining how much regret and remorse I felt. It felt good to get it out because I haven’t been able to share these feelings with anyone other than my therapist. I then personalized an email to each person that I wanted to say I was sorry to. My hands shaking and I was holding myself back from tears the entire time I typed. I exposed myself more than I’ve ever been exposed before and it scared the hell out of me.
Even before I could press “Send” I sat there in a moment of reflection for each and every person I was apologizing too. I thought about them and how I wronged them. Wondering what they were up to at that particular moment. I know they will probably never forgive me, I know they probably won’t ever speak to me again, but I need to apologize nonetheless. I owe it to them. I hesitated so much to send those apologies out. But I had to.
Afterwards, I felt a bit of weight come off my shoulders. I felt better, but not as much as I anticipated. There is too much guilt on my mind for me just to feel better by sending an email apology. I know that I will have to carry the weight of my mistakes with me the rest of my life. There is nothing I can do about that. I can only focus on moving forward and being a better person. These people that I have wronged, some of my best friends and mentors, are people that I may never be able to connect with again. I deserve it.
This was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life and I regret everything. My only solace is that I can take these lessons and learn from them.