Just Trying To Move On

As I mentioned in a previous post, the next step in trying to move forward was to apologize to certain people for my wrongful actions. I did and it was a very difficult thing to do to expose myself in such a manner.

At first, I didn’t receive any response, something I actually expected. But after a few hours I actually received responses from a few people that appreciated the apology. A welcome surprise for sure. I felt pretty good about the future after because even if I didn’t receive replies I could start moving on and focus on rebuilding my life, post crisis. However, tonight, several former friends on twitter who were not recipients of any apology yet (they were on my list but I wasn’t planning on connecting with them for a while) started trying to connect with me on twitter to say that it was a waste of time to apologize and that actions speak louder than words.

These people who decided to publically call me out on my previous misdeeds were uninformed that I actually had made retribution for my actions and were speaking out of turn. I understand their anger towards me for what I had done, and I understand that they might feel I am getting off too easy, even though they are really unaware of the suffering I have faced and the personal struggles I’ve endured. But I feel it is in poor taste for them to publically renounce my apologies especially since I hadn’t sent any of them an apology. One particular person decided to mention the company that I just got a job with to besmirch me. I do not understand why. I am just trying to move on and this person just wants to hurt me.  It makes me so angry that they have taken this so far to connect with someone that isn’t involved.

I have worked my ass off to rectify this, and sacrificed and suffered a lot , but this person still feel that I need to suffer more and brought in the community and jeopardized my future just in spite. I am so angry that he did this. Such poor taste.

I have been incredibly upset this evening and unfortunately, have slipped into drinking again to help cope. I’ve had quite a few drinks tonight and I am so angry that I tripped up and let this get to me. Despite everything I did, is it really that hard to just let me move on? My apologies were sincere and meant to help the situation, not hurt it. Reading through some of the tweets (because this was all done over twitter) I felt this feeling of dread come over me again and I started having thoughts of hurting myself. I am so mad that this person has to be like this. I just want to be left alone and move on. Why…why do this to me? Just leave me alone and let me move on.

I won’t hurt myself tonight for anyone that is concerned, but I am very upset that I’ve succumb to drinking tonight to help deal with this stress. I want to lash out and tell this person how much they are affecting me by their actions right now, but I know I shouldn’t. I deserve everything I get. I should just ignore this and focus on myself. Sometimes I think it would have just been easier if the police were called and I could have dealt with everything through the system. Now that I have done so much to improve myself and rectify the damage I have done, it seems ridiculous that someone would continue to lash out this way towards me. Just leave me a lone and move on….

Today started so well and ended on one of the worst notes it could have.

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