The other day I lost it on “her” and I couldn’t feel any more regret if I tried. We’ve decided to take a break from it all, partly because of everything I am going through and partly because she is going through a rather tough time herself. We made an appointment to see each other and have that final closure talk before we moved on and focused on rebuilding ourselves outside of a relationship. When it came time to meet up though, I was angry and still felt betrayed by her. I thought I had let these feelings go, but she had said a few things in our text conversation prior to our meet up that instantly brought back the anger and I got very upset with her. I was mad at myself as well, but she was the focus of my anger. We argued about an object of hers that I have in my possession. I can’t find this object anywhere at this particular point in time as all of my stuff is currently packed up in boxes and bags while I transition and find my own place to live. She thought I was just playing games with her when I said I couldn’t find this object and I was upset that she didn’t believe me and thought that I would play games like that. I told her off to some degree and brushed off the meeting. I didn’t want to see her until I could give her the object so she would believe me that I wasn’t trying to purposely prolong this situation.
I immediately felt regret but held on to the anger. The next morning I emailed her to let her know that I am regretful and sorry for the way I acted. I am still looking for the object, but will get it to her as soon as I find it. She then gave me the full scoop of everything she is going through and I felt worse. I am in a very vulnerable spot right now and have been focusing on growing, and I didn’t realize she was in such a vulnerable spot herself. I was a heel.
Although I think splitting is probably the best for us at this point, I don’t know what the future has in store. I am still planning on leaving this area to restart my life. But, I am wary, I am unsure if it is truly the right decision.
Can I stay here and repair the damage done? Can I try to get back the life I used to have?
These are questions I should not concern myself with at this time. I am on the brink of some great progress and these matters will cloud my judgement. I love her, but she is not my life.