I had a pretty bad weekend regarding “her” and starting coming to some serious realizations about my next steps. “She” has put me in a different mindset this weekend because of some recent actions and now I am starting to question everything. When I discovered what had been going on, I had a panic attack and wrote out everything I was feeling to help deal with it. I wasn’t going to post it, but this blog is supposed to be documenting my journey of repairing my life, so I’m posting it anyway.
I feel so betrayed right now. I’ve been working on being honest with everything and opening up to you and telling you everything and now I feel like I can’t trust you. Being friends with her opens you up to all of the horrible gossip she has been spreading about me. I don’t know why she feels the need to continue to perpetuate all of this hurt to me, but she does and I know she’s been spreading it to you. at first I thought you might have ignored it and been immune to it, at least understanding that I was making the right changes and doing the right thing, but now, because you are spending time with her, I am questioning everything. I am mad at myself for thinking this way but I can’t help it. I don’t know what she has been saying to you, I don’t know what you are listening to, and I don’t know how long you have been in contact for. I suspect she was the one who originally told you about all of this. she has taken it upon herself to tell absolutely everyone I know. I don’t really know why she is being this vindictive and dedicating herself to destroying me on every front but she has. I understand her anger and need to protect herself, but I don’t understand her need to actively tell everyone what has been going on, especially those who have absolutely nothing to do with this. She doesn’t realize how much it is affecting me in my attempts to repair the damage I have done. I feel like I am fighting a battle when it should just be me trying to move forward. I feel like giving up. I am so close to giving up. I am so angry at everything and everyone. I feel like even when everything has all been settled, I’ll still be fighting. I just want to be a better person.
I don’t feel like I can open up and tell you anything any more because I don’t know what you are sharing. I am trying my hardest to believe that anything you are sharing is in an effort to help me, but I just don’t know. Thinking back now, when you actively contacted others behind my back, you were getting involved where you didn’t need to. I understand why you did it and that you were trying to gather information, try to understand the situation and me and learn the truth, but you went behind my back and tested me with the information. It caught me in a lie and corrected that behaviour, but pieces are starting to come together that show me that we aren’t a team, you’re just out for yourself.
Again, I don’t blame you at all for doing so, but because of this, I can’t go to you, rely on you to have my back. I have been getting through all of this with the knowledge that you were behind me 100 per cent and now, I don’t know. I am so mad at myself for thinking this way and I really hope this is just a temporary overreaction and misdirection of anger towards you.
The fact of the matter is, I’ve been teetering with so much, juggling my entire life trying to fix what I’ve done. I never thought for a second that you were something that needed to be juggled. I’ve lost my plan because of this and am instinctively already working on a contingency. At this moment, I am ready to give up on everything and start fresh in another city where I’ve been offered a job. it will give me the fresh start I need. I was willing to do whatever I could to repair my life here so we could rebuild our life together. I’d put up with any community snarkiness and isolation as long as I could be with you, but right now, I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t know if this is a temporary feeling or not, but I need to make a decision soon and this whole revelation came at a very bad time for me to side with you and stay here. I have to give myself the weekend to think this out but I’ll need to make a decision next week.
I am so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. perhaps its for the best to just move on and ignore the feeling like you were the one. these wounds will heal overtime like they always do. You are not the first woman I’ve completely fallen for and fallen to pieces for.