From the positive themes of my recent blog posts, many would think that I must be happy with how things have been going. I’m working to pay off debts, I’m starting to reconcile with my love, I’m learning new things about my self, I’m building new skills, I’m developing my career, and I’m finding a level of normalcy.
But I am not happy, I’m miserable. I am dissatisfied with how things have been moving along. Even with the small victories I have achieved, I don’t feel right. I still feel guilty, and terrible for everything that has happened, and I’m starting to realize that no matter what happens in my life moving forward, I am never going to be able to put this behind me. I am going to carry this weight forever, regardless how much understanding and forgiveness I get from others.
I am also growing impatient with myself. I understand that these things definitely take time, but I am growing restless. the one major victory I need is out of my control for the time being. I have several financial debts that need to be resolved as soon as possible before I can truly move forward. The problem is that I am waiting on others. I had taken a mediocre job at the beginning of the month just so I could start pulling in an income. Despite that I’ve been busting my ass, I still won’t see a paycheque for another 2 weeks. I am also waiting on several cheques from a few of my freelance clients, some that I’ve been waiting on for almost 2 months. I need to make some progress and I just need a bit of money to come my way so I can feel like I’m actually fixing my mistakes. I hate that this is out of my control.
Rant over. I need to try to have a good day. One day at a time.