It has been just over a month since everything in my life fell apart, and over the past month, I’ve lived in almost complete isolation. It was better to keep people at a distance while I figured out my situation and started putting things back together. That, and I was terrified to be seen in public because of what I had done. I didn’t want to see anyone that I knew and have to have a conversation with them, regardless if they knew what was going on. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and just couldn’t handle the social pressure anymore.
I embraced my isolation. After I overcame the initial depression where I was just laying in bed all day, I read a lot more, got caught up on a few things I had been neglecting, and of course, starting getting my shit together. You would be surprised how much you can accomplish when you don’t have to worry about attending the cool and hip events in your social community.
I knew that one day though, I would need to re-emerge. But I was really scared, and didn’t think I would be ready for a long time. My first real exposure to the world outside came when I met her this past weekend. Although I was stressed to be outside in the first place, talking with her, and connecting again relieved some of the worry I had been feeling about being in public.
A week or so ago, a friend of mine reached out to me to see if I wanted to grab breakfast with him. Him and I used to meet weekly to talk about life, our aspirations, our frustrations, and anything that came to mind. I considered him one of my best friends. When everything went down, he was one that I was particularly ashamed to talk to because of the mutual respect we had for each other. I was reluctant, but agreed to meet with him. I had emailed him previously, letting him know everything that had happened, just so he knew why I was keeping my distance, and unexpectedly, he understood, and offered support. A true friend.
Knowing that, I agreed to meet with him and we had a nice chat. He brought some normalcy into my life again. It was great to see him. Although while I was out, my eyes darted the room regularly and I felt awkward just sitting where I was, it felt good to be doing the one of the things that used to come so naturally.
After both this meeting and the one with her, I feel it might be time to start reaching out to others in my life that have been asking about me and wondering what has been going on. Tonight I feel like I need to start coming out of my shell a bit and let the ones I love the most in this community know what has been happening and that I am okay. I am not sure what their responses will be, but eventually this needed to be done, and now feels like the right time.