Always Looking Forward

Tonight was a very interesting night. This evening I met up with my former girlfriend to catch up and see how each of us are doing. Our breakup , which happened almost a month ago tonight, was a result of my previous actions, and I don’t blame her for a second for doing what she needed to do to protect herself. I’ve described the pain I’ve felt in enough detail in previous posts and am certainly not in the mood to rehash those feelings. Tonight was different.

We ended up meeting at a small, quiet coffee shop. It was the same coffee shop that her and I had a date at early in our relationship. Same table to. I wonder if she noticed? I got there before her, which was not surprising as she is always late. I was glad because it gave me time to prepare myself. I had no idea what to expect from her meeting, but I was either going to feel better or worse than I was at that particular moment. Obviously, I was rooting for better, but expecting the worse. I told myself that no matter what, just tell her the truth, it can’t make anything worse. She knows everything, just be honest with her.

I didn’t want to be facing the window that looked out on the street. I didn’t want to give the impression that I was aching to see her and wanted to capture every moment I could of her to memory. So reluctantly, I kept my back to the window, though I turned myself just enough to see the front door. While I was waiting I was absolutely terrified to see her. I had no idea how our conversation was going to go or even if there was going to be a conversation. Perhaps she just needed some closure and had a few final curses for me?

I saw her in the corner of my eye and every part of my body froze. I watched her enter the room and smile that gorgeous smile of hers and felt so much joy and sadness at the same time. She was wearing the scarf I got her for Christmas. She looked incredible. We hugged, I wasn’t sure if we were going to, and her first comment to me was that she liked the shirt I was wearing. She mentioned later that I looked like I lost some weight. I certainly had. I’ve lost over 25 pounds during February because of the stress that I’ve been going through. She looked perfect.

The first few moments were a little awkward. Neither of us knowing how to begin and having no idea where to go with this. We got on to the “How are you doing” question and went from there.

I won’t go into detail about our actual conversation, but at one point, near the beginning, she asked me a question that she already knew the answer to. She wasn’t looking to trick me or test me, she just asked me a question. When I immediately answered in a lie, the look of disappointment on her face showed me the end of a life I’d only ever get to imagine and regret. I didn’t mean to lie to her, I didn’t try to, it just came out. She obviously called me out on it and we discussed it. Again, without writing down all of the details, she was incredibly disappointed, and felt I had a pathological lying problem. I agree with her 100% and realized that I need to find professional help to understand and correct this bizarre need to lie and exaggerate when there is absolutely no reason to do so.

From that point on, the conversation took a bit of a better turn. We talked about everything that had been going on, what I was doing to fix things, and how I was living with myself. She revealed a lot about herself as well, letting me know that she was having an incredibly hard time dealing with everything. She was unmotivated to even get out of bed, on the brink of depression and I was all to blame. I knew that this was going to be a tough time for her as everything came out of no where, but I had no idea that it was affecting her this badly. Another pang of guilt stabbed me in my stomach for how I’d treated this poor woman. The worst part of it all, is that she has no one else to talk about this too. Most people she would normally talk to, know what is going on, and would only judge and provide “advice” rather than just listen. However, I was there to listen, and I did. And I am grateful that she could still confide in me.

Then we moved on to me and I of course gave her the scoop, and the entire time I didn’t see a flicker of judgement in her eyes. In fact, I think I might had come across some understanding now and then. She listened, and provided advice, comfort, like I’d never experienced before. I had such a need to tell her the truth about everything in my life, to reveal everything, but as always, when I need to express information about my turbulent past, I get too emotional. I ended up working it out right there, that the reason I always get emotional when I try to talk about my past and all the pain and suffering I’d been through, is that I’ve never shared this information with anyone, ever before and it was hard to do it. She pulled it out of me though, and I really couldn’t believe.

Eventually the flood gates opened, and I suddenly could tell her everything, I felt no wall at that point and felt free in sharing exactly what was on my mind, without having to edit to protect myself. I felt completely safe for the first time. I had quite a few revelations tonight. I’ve been able to reflect a lot over the past month, but talking with her tonight about everything, put a lot more into perspective. She really helped me understand me tonight. And I absolutely love her for it.

I don’t know if I am going to keep this post though. At the end of the night, I told her that had been writing this blog and that I wanted to share it with her. I didn’t, but now that I’ve told her, I feel like that one day she might read this, and I feel like I am editing myself. I’m going to end this post now, even though I have so much more I want to write. I’m going to come back to this tomorrow and write this again without thinking about who might be reading my words. I ended up posting this without editing my words. I feel that if I wrote them, they were what I wanted to say. So I left it.

I will end with this though. Tonight made me feel very connected to her, very vulnerable, but connected. I looked into her eyes and felt completely free inside of them. We have a very long journey, but I feel like tonight, we just took the first steps to reconciling. At a time when I feel like I have absolutely no one there for me, she made me feel like I could do anything. I love her more than I can even explain or understand.

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