The Worst Pain of All

Despite everything I have put myself through, all the pain, hardship, loss, there is one thing that I am feeling worse than anything else. Even though I am going through something very serious and severe, everything would be much easier to manage if she wasn’t involved. All of this that I am working through right now, pales in comparison to what I’ve done to the woman I love. I’ve brought her pain that I can’t even imagine. We had a perfect relationship, not just one of those hokey “We’re still a new relationship so everything is perfect”, no. Everything was literally perfect. She is it for me. I’ve thought in the past that I’ve felt true love before, I was sure of it, but when I was with her, I really understood what love was.

She was my motivation to get my life back on track before all of this happened. Everything just fell apart before I had a chance to fix it. And as a result, I’ve lost her, perhaps forever. People are telling her not to associate herself with me, not to communicate with me, and I don’t blame them. Despite our relationship and how we felt about each other, I am probably not good for her and she is probably better without me. At least for now. There is too much for me to focus on right now, for me to fix, and she shouldn’t have to go through any of it. But unfortunately, she is already involved, and is going through the worst part of it. Having a perfect relationship suddenly disappear from underneath you with absolutely no warning signs. She didn’t deserve to go through anything I put her through. And now she is in pain and has to deal with others who are involved in this. It isn’t fair to her. And I hate myself for it. I am feeling so much guilt for everything I’ve done over the last few years, but with her, I am feeling a level of regret that makes me sick to my stomach. It makes want to cry every time it comes to mind, which is every minute of everyday. I can never make things perfect between us again.

She deserves nothing but the best. She is the sweetest, most understanding and caring woman I have ever met. She is perfect and I love her, but I don’t deserve her.

We’ve been communicating with each other off and on via email about once a week or so. Each email from her to me is full of pain and sorrow, and confusion. Every email from me to her is full of regret, pain, and honesty (full honesty for once). Today she asked for a visit. I wanted to jump at the chance, but it is probably not the best thing for us right now. I know that I am feeling incredible sorrow and depression without her, and to see her, even for a minute would be the greatest thing in my life, but what will happen afterwards? When we have to part ways? Will the pain be multiplied? I just don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have already. I have to try to be a man here and say no….for now. I am nothing but a shell of what I was before and I don’t think she’ll get what she is looking for out of us seeing each other.

I am dying right now. I want to say yes so badly. But I suppose I have to be the strong one here.

One day, I’ll be able to see her again and have her look at me the way she used to. Before all this. She’s on my list. I’ll earn her respect and perhaps one day, her love.

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