The Bumps in the Road

Last night I came across more negative talk about me. It make me sick to my stomach to see it. I’ve been doing everything I can to stay positive, look forward, and focus on getting my life back together and comments like I came across last night knock me down like I was hit with a bag of bricks. I understand why the negative talk continues, and I don’t blame anyone for feeling the way they do. I deserve it. I just wish it would stop. I just wish people would leave me a lone while I get my life together so I can prove that I am actually not really a bad person. When I come across this talk, I just want to disappear. What does it solve when someone talks negative about me? Especially if it has been months since I’ve even talked to them? It doesn’t matter. I know that these people around my town will probably never look at me the same way again. I’ve faced judgement from so many of my friends already that a little more shouldn’t hurt me the way that it does. It is probably a lost cause to try to repair the trust and relationships I built and destroyed. It was this urge to have everyone to like me that contributed to this problem in the first place. I just need to focus on myself, and forget all this other talk about me. It doesn’t really affect me other than spreading news about my despicable actions further into my community. I deserve it. It is probably just easier to assume that everyone I’ve ever known in this community knows everything that has gone on now. It adds to my shame and regret, and certainly adds to my agoraphobia, but it makes it easier to stay focused on my goals to improve. Go ahead and talk about me, I won’t hear it any more. I have my journey to complete and when I come out on the other side, then maybe we can talk.


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