It seems a little strange to begin a story with an ending, but that is where the next story begins. The end of my life as I know it. I am leaving this world as I came into it; with no idea where I am going. I certainly know how I got here. it is so easy to look back on the path you’ve already travelled and know how you ended up in that spot. The journey, no matter how difficult it seems, makes complete sense when you’ve reached your destination. I have arrived at my destinattion, and this is the end of my journey.
I am not proud with where I have ended up. I am not happy, satisfied, pleased, or even surprised. What I am, is sorry for myself. Sorry for allowing me to follow this path for so long, lost, with no idea when this path would come to a dead end. A point of no return. It does not matter though, how sorry I feel for myself. I was the one that made every one of the decisions that brought me here, and only have myself to blame.
This path is complete. There is no where else for me to go. I’ve taken this road as deep down as it would go, and I can’t go any lower. That is why I have to stop. I wanted to stop so many times in the past. I tried to stop, or even just slow down. But its the law of inertia at work. The momentum was too difficult, no, it was too easy to allow myself to keep falling. Now I’ve hit the bottom and there is only one thing left for me to do at this point.
This life I’ve been leading has been a waste. I’ve been living, but never truly alive. Never appreciating anything I had for fear it would be taken away from me at any moment. My actions were what brought me my loss, nothing else.
This life has no future, and must end.
The end of one story, signifies the beginning of another, and it must happen now. I am starting again, not rebuilding, starting life over in hopes I can one day have a life I can be proud of. I have a life time of lessons I’ve learned already, and with this wisdom, I might just be able to do it. Start a new life.
I have nothing at the moment. No friends, no family, no love, no respect, no community, no trust, no money, no job, no home, and no prospects. In every definition of societal success I have nothing. A week ago I almost succumb to the demons that plague a mind with no hope or future.
A week ago I almost gave up the last thing I had. A level of depression I had never felt before that seemed to only have one escape. Where my strength came from to battle those demons, I can’t say. But it was there, and remains there now. I am at the bottom of a pit and I can only look up from where I stand.
I will overcome the challenges that lay ahead. There are many, many things that I need to do before I can have respect for myself again. I will do what ever it takes though. I have strength and I have hope. I will achieve greatness, and will eventually be able to look in the mirror and call myself a man again. This blog is my journal of the journey that lays ahead.
The man I once was, is now dead. My new life begins now.